The subject of this interview is a queer woman in her 20s who always knew she was attracted to girls but felt like she had a problem. She speaks about finally accepting herself, worrying about coming out to her mum, losing friends and getting her first orgasm ever with a woman.
All I just say is, that they should trust the process and first of all, love yourself first because if you don’t have that love, there’s no way you can give someone else the love so you must learn to love yourself.
How was growing up? Did you always know you were queer?
I kind of knew because I’ve always had the feeling right from when I was growing up. But I wanted to conform to what society needed me to be. So instead of choosing to embrace my queerness, I decided to conform. I started having boyfriends but in the long run, it didn’t turn out well for me so finally, I decided to accept who I am irrespective of what society expected of me.
Did you accept it immediately or was there some form of internal battle?
Yes, at some point, I didn’t want to accept who I was because I’m a Christian, you know, I was born into a Christian home and being brought up in that Christian circle, I kind of thought that liking girls aren’t right so tried battling with it and I thought maybe it’s just me and I’m the one who is broken or possessed or something like that. But when I chose to accept it was when I came across a movie. It was a movie that was an epiphany, it started the whole process for me.
Title of the movie?
Break free by Ruby Rose. When I watched it, it was actually speaking to me. It was about her embracing herself and that just clicked for me.
When did you finally come out?
That was last year, during the lockdown. I was mostly inside and apart from being inside, I got to think because, at that time, I was at a low point in my life, I was tired of relationships with guys, I felt adrift, and I really wasn’t right. I got thinking and started reading, and I came across many things that actually made me accept who I am and since then the journey- Well, I’m still on the journey, but it has been much better since then.
Did you lose any friends in the process?
Yes, I Lost or had to forgo some friends in the process because when I tried to see their reaction to LGBTQ, some reactions seemed like the people in the community was all possessed and things like that, so people like that, I like distancing myself away from them and they are some that took it well so I did lose some friends.
Have you told your parents/siblings?
Actually, my mum is yet to know and my dad doesn’t live with us so he has no idea. So it’s just one of my siblings that knows, the other doesn’t know yet but I am planning to tell them. Not like I’m scared of the whole homophobic thing but I choose to come out of my terms and tell them to see it’s not like I’m possessed. It’s not that I’m not normal, it’s not like the devil is using me or whatever but it is who I choose to be. And I’m still on that path of finding myself but I’m not done yet I’ve chosen to embrace it so when I’m ready to come out to them. This is my process and I’m still on it.
How did your brother take it?
Well, my brother was kind of surprised and then he said he wasn’t surprised with me being a tomboy in nature. He said he wasn’t really surprised but that I was still his sister and that just because I chose girls over guys did not matter. He made my heart swell that day.
Are you worried your mum won’t take it well?
Right now, my relationship with my mum is really good and she tries to understand me and whatever stuff I try to do. She is understanding But this is a different ballgame the truth is you never can say a person’s reaction until they are in that situation. She might surprise me and she might not. It might not strain our relationship but I don’t know so that’s why I want to be at a part where I have completed my process and I can be able to come out to her and be able to explain things and show her why things are the way they are. So maybe if I can explain it more she might be able to understand but for now, I can only hope for the best.
Have you ever been with someone who didn’t accept their sexuality or didn’t want to be seen in public with you?
Yes. There was one that is still kind of being in the closet. Yes, I’ve been with someone- well, not like she did not fully accept it but knowing the kind of crazy country we live in, she just chooses to allow a few people to know that detail about her, just like me. So it’s not everybody that knows.
Before then, how was your relationship with your boyfriends?
It just felt like something was always missing. I was never complete, I never felt complete in any of the relationships. I just figured it was me not them. It was frosting and guys being who they are too made me tired of the whole thing. Do you know the funny thing is I never had an orgasm when I had sex with guys?
You had your first orgasm with a girl?
Yeah, since then I just knew(being with guys) it’s not for me.
Crazy. How did you feel about that?
I felt really good. It wasn’t just about me having orgasms, it was the whole intimacy, the whole process that I kind of missed when I was in a relationship guys. It was everything I was looking for so I just knew then and there that this is it.
Do you think Nigeria/Nigerians will ever move past their homophobia?
Well, I think it’s a process. I mean the Americans were somewhere at one point look at where they are now. So, hopefully, they might get past it but at this point, we can only hope and see how it all goes.
What’s something you wish you knew before?
I just wish I knew to accept myself for who I am not who they want me to be because of society. People think what society thinks they should do so it has caused more harm than good because we have people stuck in marriages that are not happy but are pushing. After all, that’s what society expects from them. So, I wish I knew before just to be myself and not let religion or society hold me back from being myself rather than just embracing who I am.
Got any advice for closeted people or people trying to figure themselves out?
All I just say is, that they should trust the process and first of all, love yourself first because if you don’t have that love, there’s no way you can give someone else the love so you must learn to love yourself. When you learn to do that, the hatred other people will have, the bias the world has wouldn’t be able to affect you because the love for yourself has really brought you to a point that none of that will matter anymore. After all, at this point, even if I come out to my parents or someone very close to me and they choose not to accept me; I accept myself because that’s just what they think but I accept me. The best thing is to love yourself because when you do, you’ll be able to understand and move forward in the process and on the path of finding yourself.
Backup Plan?
Honestly, I don’t know. All I know is I want to live my life unapologetically, I don’t want to apologise for who I am or who I choose to be with. So, I don’t know about a backup plan but all I just know is that that is my aim. To just be myself so whatever way she takes positive or negative.
How is the dating scene as a lesbian?
It’s pretty hard, it is. You know the issue of people that are into girls are not that much and there’s the issue of falling for straight girls and not having your feelings reciprocated. So it’s really tough so if you get to see someone you like and you guys click just know you’re very lucky. Because the chances of meeting someone you like is always next to none. I just hope the universe isn’t against us.
Last comments
The beautiful thing is we are in an era where sexuality is really fluid so there are the pansexuals and the different things on the spectrum and who knows I might end up falling for a straight girl. When you find love, you find it right?
