June is Pride Month in the LGBT+ community! And the focus of this post is Leah, a bisexual woman who has a stronger preference for women. She opens up about realising her sexuality but repressing it, experiencing her biggest betrayal when she was outed by her supposed best friend, different reactions from her parents, misconceptions about her sexuality, and experiencing bi-phobia within the LGBTQ+ community.
Note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
“Bisexuals are not confused.”
What terms do you use to describe your sexual orientation, or how would you describe your sexuality?
I am bi. I’m bisexual, but I am more attracted to women. I completely forget that I am not a lesbian until a decent but queer guy comes along, and I realise he looks hot.
When was the first time you realised your sexuality, what age, and what incident made it click in your head?
I kinda knew it way since Primary school; I had a lot of girl best friends that I liked a lot. Although, it was a feeling I didn’t want to accept because I grew up in a typical Christian home where they preach against all that kind of stuff. I ignored it and didn’t put any label on it. It wasn’t until I was about 14? and done with secondary school that I finally faced and accepted it.
What was coming out like for you?
Unplanned and Terrible.
Tell me about it?
I was getting ready to come out to my parents almost two years ago? But a “close friend” beat me to it. She sent screenshots of my tweets to my dad on Facebook. I was depressed at the time, so her excuse was that she was worried about me. I was so confused cause this babe never once asked about my depression. And it’s not like she didn’t know I was queer then. I don’t know what possessed her to do that to me, unprovoked.
Damn!
Anyway, I woke up to a Twitter notification that my dad (he joined Twitter to check my tweets for himself) liked one of my tweets.
How did your parents react? Especially getting it from a stranger.
Oh, she wasn’t a stranger. She was my closest friend in the uni, lol. My parents knew and loved her, which was why it hurt me so so much. It was so unexpected.
Makes it even worse
After getting the notification, I knew I had to face the music, so I went to the living room and sat beside my dad. He started asking me questions about my relationship with my girlfriend (she had met my parents before, and I obviously introduced her as a friend). Because I was still so shocked (I didn’t know how he found my tweets at the time), I told him that she was just my close friend, but I admitted that I was bi and I’d known since I was a kid.
He started preaching to me and singing the going-to-hell anthem and so on. So naturally, he asked how long I had known, and I had told him since I was a kid. He also asked why I didn’t tell them and if they would have killed me etc. I was like, how did you expect me to know? We were raised Christian, and that’s the exact opposite of everything you stand for. So he started talking about how people were also trying to “influence” him when he was younger, but he pushed them away and that it’s simply not of God. He talked more about God, sinners, and hell, but it wasn’t a long conversation because he had to go to work.
After that, I was still in shock, so I went to my room. Obviously, I cried and was so confused. I was trying to figure out how in the world he found my handle and everything. It was a lot. After a while, I calmed down, and even though I was still affected, I was also just relieved that he finally knew. I then reflected on what had happened and sent him a long message because he was still at work. I apologised for not telling him earlier, for being a disappointment, and for not being the way he expected me to turn out. I kept apologising for my existence, basically, but I let him know that I wasn’t a child anymore and I had the right to live my life the way I wanted to, and it may not always align with his beliefs and wishes for me.
I also came clean about that “close friend” being my girlfriend and that I loved her. Then he replied that he knew I wasn’t a child anymore, but I was still his daughter, and it was his duty to bring me up in the way he saw right. Finally, he came back from work, and we didn’t talk about it anymore. Things were still kind of awkward, but two days later, I told him I was going to see my girlfriend, and he said okay, so I went ahead.
How did you feel about all of this at that particular moment?
It was a ride, tbh. I was trying to figure things out, and I was surprised because I had this feeling that it was going to happen somehow. I was preparing to tell them, but I just felt it wasn’t going to go according to plan. I thought I was overreacting because I used to have a private Twitter account; I didn’t use my real name; I tried to filter it as much as possible to make sure that people from my past weren’t following me. But somehow, they got me. So anyway, it was a mix of emotions. I was relieved, surprised, sad, and worried. I wanted to know if they were going to send me out.
Then on my mum’s side.
After my dad came back, I was more tense than usual- for that day and the next. Especially around my mum because she didn’t tell or ask me anything. I was waiting for that day to end, but she acted like her usual self. The next day, the same thing; a week passed, and I figured my dad didn’t tell my mum. That made me a little relieved because I could tell her myself. I wasn’t as afraid of telling my mum because she’s always been softer.
A few more days passed, and I decided I’d had enough of the panic attacks and anxiety overload. So I woke up early one morning, around 3/4 AM, which is not unusual because I wake up early most of the time, and I saw my mum was up, and my dad was still in his room, so I decided to just tell her. She saw me pacing about, and I did not know when I just burst into tears. So I went to my room, and she followed me, wondering what was wrong.
I didn’t know where to start, but I told her that I was in a relationship. She paused and asked if I’d had sex with the guy. I told her no and that I was in a relationship with a girl. She paused again and sighed heavily. At this point, I started crying a lot more, and then she held me tight. I love my mum so much.
The first thing she said after that will always stay close to my heart because I didn’t expect it. She’s also Christian, and she sees my sexuality as a sin, but she held me and said, “I can’t imagine the amount of mental stress you’ve been under, keeping this in. I’m sorry.”
I was surprised and started bawling even harder. She told me she would always love me, but she added calmly that “this is not of God.” Tbh I didn’t even mind that she slipped the Christian message in because she was so warm to me. Even though according to her faith, I was in the wrong, she didn’t make me feel like I was the problem. She looked at me the same, and I felt safe. I told her about feeling disappointed in myself, how I tried to fight it and pray it away while I was still in school, and how much I hated myself because I didn’t want to disappoint or shame them. I also told her that I was tired and I just really loved my girlfriend, Lade and that she made me happy, and I wasn’t willing to give that up. After all that, she hugged me and told me she would be praying for me. The conversation left me feeling so relieved because, even though I didn’t turn out the way they wanted, I knew that they still loved me.
For my brother
He already knew years back. I know I told him in casual conversation, and he was chill about it. He was also following my Twitter and had been seeing my gay tweets. But I had to tell him again about two years ago when I started dating Lade. He didn’t have much to say, and it wasn’t weird at all. I liked that I wasn’t scared to tell him. He’s my person.
I understand. You told people who matter to you.
Yeah. I told just a few people I considered my good friends. Since then, I have stopped coming out. I don’t see any reason why I should come out to everybody.
I understand. The thing about coming out is you are constantly coming out; it doesn’t stop.
Yeah, but I’ve decided not to. At least not consciously. And I don’t think I’ll ever need/have to because 90% of my friends are queer, and I’d like to keep it that way.
What’s the one thing you love about your sexuality?
WOMEN
Has your understanding of bisexuality changed when you first learned about it?
I guess so. Now I am more aware of the spectrum, and I understand that people can be romantically interested in one gender. Like a bi-sexual woman can say she is only interested in romantic relationships with a man but would have flings with women. So, it can be a little more complicated than just being attracted to men and women. In my case, I am only romantically interested in women. I don’t think I can build a strong, intimate, romantic relationship with a man.
So you said you don’t think you could ever go down the male lane again, but you had at some point? Did you have a boyfriend at any point, or you just went with women?
Yes, I did. I had lots of boyfriends. But it started as something fun. Then it became a way to convince myself that I was very interested in men and I wasn’t a lesbian or bisexual. I was in that phase for a long time. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I figured I was just hurting myself. Even my best friend noticed and pointed out that I sounded way more excited and happy when I was talking about female crushes than my boyfriend or other guys. So he felt I was wasting my time being with boys.
I have dated only two women in my life. The first was a cool and exciting experience, but she had to travel, so we broke up. The second, my current relationship, is the longest and healthiest relationship I’ve been in. It made me realise that this is how it’s supposed to be. I have felt the safest, happiest, and more in my element with women, especially my Lade. I really don’t think there’s any going back for me.
How did you know it was your friend that outed you?
Out of the blue, she texted me. We didn’t talk as much as we used to; it was just on and off because I’ve always been a terrible texter. Anyway, she just texted me randomly, dropped an apology and asked how things were with my dad. I was confused at first, but then it clicked. She was surprised I didn’t know. She thought my dad would have told me he got the info from her. She now confessed, saying she was the one that took screenshots and sent them to my dad because she was worried about me and heard I was depressed, so she wanted proof. I was stunned because, as I said, I’m not a “friend friend” person, but she was my close friend from 100- 400 level. We were roommates and coursemates. She had met my parents, and I met hers too. I can’t begin to explain how confused I was, especially when she used the whole “worried about you” excuse.
If she was so worried, why didn’t she come to me first? It’s not like she tried to reach out, and I ignored her. It’s not like I never used to listen to her. I might’ve understood if she had talked to me before and there wasn’t any improvement, and she felt it was too serious that she had to tell my dad. Besides, if it was really about my depression, why did she send screenshots of me tweeting about my sexuality? When she knew I wasn’t out yet. What did that have to do with anything?
I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her again and stopped talking to her. Then sometime back, I think last year or early this year, she texted me out of the blue again with a long apology, but the apology didn’t feel like an apology; she just said something about how she realised that she had a saviour complex. It seemed like self-pity, and she was trying to justify it, and it wasn’t an apology for me but for her to give her peace of mind. She said she talked to one of her friends, and they told her it was wrong before she realised it was wrong.
It was just mostly a self-pity rant, and she ended it with that if it was her sister, she would have done the same thing. So I told her I wasn’t accepting her apology. Then she told me she wasn’t okay with me not accepting her apology. I was so pissed, so I ignored her message because I wanted nothing to do with her. After everything, I still couldn’t bring myself to block her. I really did care for her.
It’s so sad, and I’m so sorry.
Thank you. We live and learn. I don’t regret being her friend. I really loved her, and I still wish her the best.
So what’s one thing you wish people understood from your side of your spectrum?
Bisexuals are not confused.
Common misconceptions?
It has to do with the confusion, the cheating thing, and I feel like it doesn’t make sense at all. Bisexual or not, a cheater will cheat on you. Just because we’re attracted to men and women doesn’t mean that we’re indecisive and lack self-control. People should stop using bisexuals as the mascots of infidelity.
Have You Ever Experienced Biphobia?
Yes, back In school. The case I remember was my ex-boyfriend; when I came out to him, his reaction was off. I didn’t come out to him before we started dating because it was something I was still struggling with. So when I told him, he asked if he was going to have to start worrying about me looking at other girls and moving to them. I hated that so much, and I’ve gotten that from other people too.
Then I don’t know if the whole threesome thing counts as bi-phobia, but I get that a lot and hate that too. I hate when you tell someone (usually men) you are bi, and they are like, “oouu, so you are down for a threesome,” and it’s always the one that will suit them. Like if it’s a guy asking you that, they expect it to be FMF.
What’s the biggest challenge for a bisexual in the spectrum and in the LGBT+ Community.?
Probably not being seen as honest and genuine when it comes to relationships. Like the other party most likely has reservations before you even start dating, just because you’re bi. It all goes back to the indecisive and cheating thing. The lesbians and gays don’t want or trust us because we’re not gay enough. The straights are insecure and are afraid that we’d cheat on them with the same sex. They also think we’re just acting gay to be cool, so we’re not taken seriously.
ALSO READ: Coming Out Story: I am a Lesbian
Not gay enough, not Straight enough?
Pretty much
Advice for someone trying to come to terms with their sexuality?
It’s not easy deviating from the “norm.” If you need more time, take it. There’s no rush. There’s also no shame in not being able to own your sexuality, especially in this world. It’ll happen when you’re ready, and it’ll be so liberating. This is what I’d tell my younger self. Idk if it’s good advice. I’d also like to end my first-ever interview with a shout-out to my wife. I LOVE YOU, LADE! 🥺❤️
