The second part of this interview focuses on the downsides of her job, her personal religion, and the common misconceptions about therapists.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
What are your most frequent types of clients?
More generally, personal improvements. People want better for themselves; people want to work through things that they know are bothering them. People these days are more aware that they might be something going on if there is a repeating pattern.
It could be that someone is noticing that their relationships have a certain type of pattern and they feel like they need to talk to someone about the things happening in their life. There are men seeking therapy too, I do a lot of parenting work- people come because they need help to parent better, even with work stress and all that.
There’s a saying that even therapists need therapy, how do you deal with overwhelming emotions from clients
I have been in therapy for a while now and I can say being an expert doesn’t preclude us from the universal human condition. I believe everybody should go to therapy, especially a therapist An oncologist who is a cancer doctor can have cancer. Just because they have the training and expertise to help people doesn’t mean they can’t have it.
Therapists are encouraged to go to therapy because it helps you to be more empathetic because you are on the other side, you know what it feels like. So, II go to therapy and can be vulnerable sometimes. Then, sometimes, therapy isn’t always fun, your therapist is going to piss you off sometimes. I understand what it’s like for my clients because therapy doesn’t feel good so I can empathize.
To know that the overwhelm is part of the cause so to expect it. So it doesn’t take me by surprise when I feel overwhelmed because I already know that it comes with the profession. For example, I don’t go to therapy when something is going on, I go to therapy on a fixed schedule. I always go and don’t wait for there to be something going on. It’s like if I have a car and take it for maintenance every 30 days and change the oil regularly, then I am on a regular schedule. That means I don’t wait for things to pile up to work through them so I find that helpful.
Then self-care, being part of groups where I share things, then setting professional boundaries- I treat my job like a job which means I am not available 24/7. I turn on my professional brain, I come to work, I close from work and then I live my life so that always helps me so I am not always on. Sometimes, someone is always randomly DMing me but I am not going to read it because I am not on the job at that time. If people message me, I tell them to send me an email because I only use email for work. Then if it’s work time, I look at my email and address what I can address.
“Misconceptions about therapists are that they have their lives together and that is false because everyone is going through it. So if you are going through it, your therapist has gone through it, going through it and has a variation of it that they are working through it.”
Has there ever been a time when you felt the burden of your client spill unto you?
Yes. That’s a job hazard. But I’m glad I have professional training to do this I know what to do with it.
If you could change one thing about therapy what would it be?
It would be accessible to everybody and it will not be so expensive. Therapy, for the necessity that it is, is too expensive. It’s out of the reach of people that need it the most and that sucks. I think it’s unfair because I pay for therapy too and I know how expensive it is. It is a significant cost.
I agree
A lot of people that need it don’t have access to it and it’s unfair, if you think about the process of becoming a therapist means I understand why the rigour is necessary and why the process of becoming a professional is hard and sensitive work because, after the bachelor’s, there’s 2-3 years of school.
I had to quit my job to go full time so I could complete my program within 2 years. Not a lot of people can afford to quit their job so the cost of my degree was lost wages. So if you ever see a society where therapy is affordable, it’s not because the therapists are charging less, it’s because someone is paying for it. That’s why we have help centres.
In Nigeria for example where they take babies to get their vaccinations for next to nothing it’s because it is seen as a necessity it’s because someone is paying for it. It’s not inexpensive because it’s cheap for free. It’s inexpensive because someone who sees it as a necessity typically the government or aid agencies who provide grants are paying for it. It is being subsidized. So therapy is expensive because the cost of becoming one is high and it’s a job.
Some misconceptions you’ll like to debunk?
Misconceptions about therapists are that they have their lives together and that is false because everyone is going through it. So if you are going through it, your therapist has gone through it, going through it and has a variation of it that they are working through it.
Also, that therapy is a magic wand; it isn’t it is tough work. Then the person who does the most work is you, you just have an expert guiding you through it. Even that therapy isn’t a quick fix.
Can I add that therapy isn’t a one-size-fits-all?
Yes, there’s that. Also, you are not going to be a good fit with every therapist. If you go to therapy and you are not a good fit with that provider thats’ perfectly okay. You just find another provider and I know it’s hard to find a good provider it’s not easy and might take a while for you to find someone that fits and that’s perfectly normal.
How Long Can You Be With a therapist before you know they are not a good fit?
I encourage people to trust their guts and say something. So if you go to see a good provider and you feel some type of way, I encourage people to say so. For example, if you speak with a provider, and they are bringing in their faith and you feel some way about it, you need to speak up and say “I feel some type of way” about you bringing up your faith.
I recognise that it’s cultural that we generally don’t get to challenge authority or people who are in helping professions, but at some point, we have to get used to advocating ourselves. The same way a doctor would tell you that you have malaria and you just accept it without challenge even if you have doubts but now you go to a doctor and if the doctor says you have doubts you can call him out on the concerns of his diagnosis because I haven’t done any tests. So getting used to saying something like “I am worried about whether or not you’re a good fit” and their response will let you know if they are right for you because they should acknowledge, validate your concerns, and respect your choice. But you see every therapist is different because they are allowed to choose the way that they operate and their personalities and other things will influence the way they work.
For example, enjoyment is my core value and I’m an easy-going person so that shows up in my work. But what if I have a client that needs someone formal and uptight, I won’t be a good fit for them and none of us is doing anything wrong we are just not a good fit. I could help them find someone who is right, or if you are dealing with faith because I am a clinician, I don’t mix my work with my faith but if someone came to me and told me they want a provider who is going to speak to them based on their faith, that would that it’s not the fact that that provider was using their faith that is the problem, it’s that it doesn’t match the need of the person
The same way a provider will use their faith for a client who requests it and finds it helpful, they will now say they like their provider because they share the same faith with me. It’s all based on the need of the client that matches what the provider provides. It’s not a right vs wrong case that providers use their faith. If you see know what if the client needs it and if you say yes, what if the client doesn’t need it. It depends on each scenario and situation.
Read Also: In Conversation With: A Psychotherapist (Part 1)
What do you do in your free time?
I chill, you are always going to find me chilling. My default mode is chilling. I am relaxing or hanging out with my family just anything that has to do with enjoyment and chilling. It’s so important to me that I want to be associated with enjoyment, especially by my children. Because if you think about how we are socialized as women and mothers, the idea is that we are supposed to be hardworking so if people are thinking about their mothers and eulogizing them and talk about how their mother was always working hard and always taking care and providing for them.
It’s the opposite for me, you know how sometimes you don’t know what you want but you know what you don’t want- I know I don’t want to be associated with struggle. So I want my children to know I am all for enjoyment that is important to me and I am deliberate about crafting a life that is not centred around the sake of it just to be proven as a martyr because we are socialized to attach our value to labour.
When people talk about the role of their moms as the mom who is always there. “I can’t wait to have children so my mum will come and take care of them” why are you associating your mum with care? Instead of you saying I can’t wait to grow up so I can send my mother on vacation.
Any enjoyment that you think of for yourself, I want you to think of your mother as deserving of it as well. What makes you think your mother is not deserving of all enjoyment? It’s how we are socialized and if we don’t deliberately undo it, we are just going to perpetuate the cycle then it leads to resentment because what your mother now does is see that as her role to fit in. To cater to and to also get catered to, those are my values.
About Coach G
Gbemi *Coach G* Adekoya is a Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate (LMFT-Associate), and Board Certified Assistant Behavior Analyst (BCaBA) that provides clinical therapy to clients resident in Texas. She enjoys helping people who are determined to get unstuck from old patterns, by collaborating with them to untangle life’s complications, so they can be the improved version of themselves you so strongly want and deserve to be.
You can contact her through her social media channels below:
Email: gbemi@untangletogether.com
Instagram and Twitter: @untangletgthr
