There’s a popular misconception that strangers assault most rape victims, but a study showed that their partners or ex-partners assaulted 23% of women and only 9% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victims.
This interview focuses on the lady who belongs to the 23%. She is in her early 20s and was raped by her ex-boyfriend years after the relationship ended. She details the incident; how she felt like it was her fault and how she learned to move past it.
Was it an assault or he almost had his way?
He had his way to an extent but stopped.
Who is the person to you and how long have you known him?
An ex. We dated before the incident and broke up way before it happened. I knew him for like 2 years.
After the break up you remained friends with him?
Yes, we talked once in a while because we didn’t fight.
While you were dating, did you notice any red flags? Did you think he was capable of that?
Never. He was really cool.
So walk me through how it happened that day.
Okay, so it was a normal day I went to class he had graduated from my school hence the breakup. One day, he called that he came around to do some stuff in school; results and other things so I’m like oka. I was even the one that asked him if he was close to my department and if he could wait for me to finish with class.
Fast forward to when he came to pick me up from my department we were all talking in the car him, a friend of mine and me. then we left school, we chilled a little then went out. Then he dropped my friend at home. I told him to l drop me too he said no. “he said u that ur not going home today ur crashing at my hotel with me” At first I didn’t take him seriously cos his hotel wasn’t far from my hostel so I wasn’t too bothered and knew he will eventually drop me or I will just walk back home. We were still talking and catching up and I don’t know if he overdrank because that’s what he said he did.
THE INCIDENT
He did go from talking to begging me and telling me how sorry he was that he didn’t try to make things work when we were together. I told him it was cool and we should move on. He kept saying he wanted us back together and I was wondering how we got into this conversation in the first place. Not thing he did was drag me from the bed to the ground. It was all a joke to me at first until my head hit the floor. He kept saying he misses me and then he dragged my trousers and tore my top. While I was still struggling with him, his wristwatch cut and I saw his face and knew he wasn’t joking.
I started begging this guy but he was already inside me. All of a sudden, I don’t know if he came or his sense came back.
You don’t know if he ejaculated or just got off you?
Yes, he just stopped and started begging me that he didn’t know what came over him. I just told him to let me go home but he locked d door and kept begging. Later, he left and locked me inside and came back with a wristwatch, a new shirt and Jeans. I was like is the solution? Just let me go home. He eventually opened the door and I went home myself. He was driving behind me because I refused to enter his car. See, that’s the story he kept begging till today sef sometimes he would just Dm on IG and be saying he’s really sorry for that day but I think I kinda moved past it at some point.
THE AFTERMATH
I was always having panic attacks like I just used to be sacred but I think with time and I healed and I stopped hating and he even got my number from someone and he texts me sometimes I don’t know but when I check my heart I don’t feel hatred anymore. I just let go and it even took me time to remember the detail of the incident and even as I am talking about it I don’t feel hate I just wish I could rewind that day and right some wrongs but it’s okay.
Did you talk to anyone about it?
No, not really. I think I talked about it once that was like a long time ago.
Why did you choose not to?
I just felt I could deal on my own cos talking about it. I used to think the way the whole thing happened was stupid and it was my fault. I started to ask myself questions. I mean did he force me there? No. Who is he to you? an Ex that u still talk to. So I just felt stupid sha
How did you cope in the following days/weeks?
Took months probably years sef for the mind to totally not get pictures of it in my head.
Did you carry on like normal or did you withdraw from everybody else?
I carried on like normal but I was really bleeding inside at a point I felt I’ll go crazy but I overcam but my sister cos she was living with me knew something happened that night but I never told her not even till today.
Bleeding from your body or you were hurting?
I was hurting.
What year did this happen?
2015.
Have you been in a relationship after that?
Yes, after I left school been seeing one guy for like 2yrs now
You didn’t talk to him about it?
Not exactly. Not in detail but he knows I got raped at some point in my life.
Did it affect your sex life and how long did it take you to start having sex again?
A while after I noticed the panic attack thingy then I totally stopped having sex.
How did you cope with it? What was one thing that helped you?
Truly, I don’t know. But I think it’s to first forgive yourself and to forgive the person, I think that’s what helped me heal.
You forgave him?
Yes, I did.
Do you still talk to him?
Not really but sometimes he just says hi and he buys some stuff I sell Sha so he’s my customer so when we talk is mostly business talks or how are yous?
How are you now though? Do you enjoy physical intimacy now?
Yes, I do.
The Absence of No doesn’t mean Yes
