Acquaintance Rape: “I Was Assaulted by Several Relatives, My Dad Included”

This subject speaks about growing up the only girl in a house full of guys and being assaulted from age 5 to 15 by people she trusted the most, the biggest betrayal of all and how this has distorted her outlook on family.

 

Trigger warning: Parts of this story contain information about sexual assault which may be triggering to survivors.

 

What was your earliest memory of sexual abuse?

I was 5 years old.

Do you remember in detail? Can you walk me through it?

My mum wanted to get golden morn for my younger brother. So she backed him and said she couldn’t take me with her. Then she asked me to stay with our landlord’s grandson. After my mum left, he asked me to stand in front of him and raise one of my legs. Then he put his hands in my vagina and was rubbing, I can’t really remember what else he did but he asked if I liked it and I said yes. Then he said I shouldn’t tell my mum.

Do you have an idea of how old he was at that time? And after he did that how often did it occur?

He’s in his early 30’s now. So he should be a teenager then. It happened just that one time

So did you tell your mum or anyone?

No, she was always cranky cos my dad physically and verbally abuses her whenever he was drunk and she was never around cos of her job.  My dad too was always angry and aggressive

After your first incident at 5, how old were you when the first incident happened?

Around 6-7

Who was it and how did happen?

My mum’s younger brother (step-uncle), we usually went for holidays at my grandparents’ place anytime school was on holiday. He’ll take me to his room and put his fingers in my vagina. Sometimes I’d sleep off in the process then he’ll take me to my grandma’s room.

Did you tell anyone about this too?

No, but someone noticed and asked me but I denied it cos I was scared

Who?

My mum’s stepsister, his sister called me to ask if anyone was touching my bumbum. I said no. She asked like three times and I said No

How did you think she noticed?

She noticed I was always with that my uncle. Then she stopped me from going to his room Or playing with him. She would always make me stay around her.

I’m sorry. When did the next abuse happen and by whom?

As a child, I loved staying away from home cos of my dad’s wahala. So anytime the school bus is taking me home, I’ll tell them to take me to my aunt’s house. (My dad’s elder sister) And most times it’s because my mum comes back very late and I don’t want to stay with my dad. So my step-cousin would make me watch porn. I was around 8. He’ll then ask me to rub his dick until he cums on my hands and then he squeezes my chest even though there was nothing there. Around this period another relative who comes during the weekend would also put his hands in my vagina. He did it twice

So it’s like you were just an object to them, passing you around?

Yes. My aunt (my dad’s sister) noticed one night cos she saw me sleeping next to him in a dark room after he had finished. She flogged me and said many painful things to me saying I like staying around him but she didn’t ask what was happening between her stepson and me.

She made that your fault? Geez

Yeah

I guess that made you keep it to yourself?

Then she made me dress like an old woman by wearing oversized clothes around the house, cos she said there are a lot of boys in her house and I could tempt them.  She had 8/9 guys in her house and I was the only girl

How old were you during this period?

9, I was in Primary 4. And I did my common entrance from that class and I was 10 when I was in JSS 1

So you had to grow up quickly.

Yes. So I went on holiday for around this period at my grandparent’s place and my aunt’s brother-in-law was there. He took me to the sitting room behind the Sofa. He brought out his dick, asked me to rub and it splashed his sperm on my body and asked me to quickly go and wash it. That was the last time I saw him before he travelled to the US.

 Why do you think they were attracted to you?

I  was really cute, chubby and intelligent. So maybe that was it. It got to a point I started believing I had an evil spirit attracting them to me cos my aunt took me to her church for deliverance cos I started frowning and keeping to myself. I really withdrew to myself.

Your aunty took you to church for deliverance?

Yes, she felt I was a mermaid and I acted strange not knowing that my acts were based on the things I was exposed to.

Next incident

My cousin’s friend (who was living with them) started touching me by pressing my breast. Anytime he wants to scold me, he’ll hit my butt or press my breast.

He’ll talk dirty in my presence saying he wants me to be exposed so that no guy can lie to me to have sex with me. He’ll make me watch porn with him saying that he wants me to learn different styles so that it won’t be strange to me when I grow up. Sometimes he’ll touch me in my sleep and if I wake up he’ll cover my mouth saying he’s just playing with me. He’ll touch my breast when I’m awake but touch my vagina in my sleep.

It kept going for a while, there was a day he verbally abused me for frowning and hitting my breast. I hissed at him and he told my aunt that I hissed at her cos she was talking to me at the same time. I told her he lied against but she beat the living daylight out of me that day until her husband begged on my behalf. This guy laughed at me and I felt bad and it just made my withdrawal worse

Did you at any point think it was wrong and at what age did you realise it was abuse?

When I was 10 in JSS 1. So I started avoiding them. After the incident with my cousin’s friend, I decided to finally go back home until I had an incident with my dad.

                                                                                      The Biggest Betrayal

Your dad?

I was 11. He came home drunk that night as usual. We were staying in a room and parlour apartment. I slept beside my mum and he fingered me for more than 30 minutes and my mum didn’t even know. I told her the next day and she said I should keep it a secret so that people won’t embarrass my dad. She told my late aunt and she said that she doesn’t believe me that what makes my mum think I wasn’t hallucinating. He came home drunk another time and French kissed me. I cried after my mum told me what my aunt said. My mum said she was sorry and that I should still keep it a secret.

Keep It a secret?

Yes.

Did she talk to your dad about it?

My mum did it out of fear. He now said he thought she was the one that he was very sorry for. He told my mum to apologize to me.

So your dad touched you twice or more than that?

Yes. Twice

Do you think being exposed to sexual harassment early has affected your sex life or the opposite?

Yes. I’m always eager to be touched. I like being touched, cuddled or foreplay. I don’t like sex. It feels like a punishment

Do you think this has affected your need for male validation?

I believe that if I allow him to touch me, it shows that I love him.

So of all the assaults, which hurt you more? Which did you least expect?

My dad

Why?

He was meant to be MY FATHER. someone that should protect me from my other abusers but he was not there and my mum silenced it cos he was her husband. I felt broken for too long. Everyone just knew I had mad mood swings and just assumed I was weird or made jest of me.

How are you coping with it now?

I learned to forgive myself recently but I have forgiven my dad. There were days I prayed that he should die.

So between now and then, what has changed? What made you forgive your dad?

I went through therapy, although I’m not done with it. I learnt to accept myself and forgave myself. I can’t say I’ve really forgiven my dad(it’s really hard)

Do you think your dad remembers he did that to you and if you had the chance would you confront him?

I’m not sure he remembers. Yes, I will. I argued with him last year and I told him I hate him

How about the other relatives? What do you feel about them?

I hated them but I’ve forgiven them and I don’t really see them anymore.

Do you think this has distorted your outlook on family?

Yes, I can’t trust any family member with my child.

What do you look forward to now in life?

Enjoying Sex, being with a man that’ll be patient with me and understand that I’m teachable and ready to learn, being a good mother to my children without overreacting or being over-protective

How did you wish the women in your house had reacted to the news instead?

I wish they had confronted these persons or embarrassed them. The women especially my aunt left the abusers and blamed me.

Would you like to help sexual assault victims?

Yes I would love to help them so they’ll know that they aren’t alone

What do you advise someone in similar situations?

My advice is: opening up is not as easy as it seems. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done but I’ve learnt that talking about these issues to trusted persons will make you feel better and you could also seek professional help